In honor of the one-year anniversary of me getting my CPAP machine and life being just awesome, I’m kicking off the first ever installment of “Dear Bethany!”
Content Warning: discussion of weight stigma, the belief in fatness as pathology, intentional weight loss, and medical treatment choices for sleep apnea that are NOT weight neutral.
When I started two years ago, deciding to track healthy habits instead of a number on a scale or clothing size was unfamiliar territory for me. I decided I wanted to be open to whatever outcomes would come.
Last year, I listed the following outcomes I experienced after one year along on a habit-based, weight neutral health journey:
Looking back on what I wrote last year, I am happy to say that most of those outcomes have continued throughout year two. I did have some depression and back pain creep back in when an injury required me to stop lifting for a few months. With adding lifting back into my life, both of these conditions are improving again.
I also experienced some other cool things in year two.
Looking back, I feel really proud of what I accomplished this year. It didn’t seem like I did much of anything until I actually went back and read all my older posts. What I feel most proud of is keeping up a consistent self-care routine during a very challenging year. My family had a lot of challenges: my husband got injured, I got injured, we lost our pet, we had a terminal illness and death in the family. I feel so proud that I took excellent care of myself so that I could face these challenges well. Honestly, the self-care felt like the easiest part and I know that is because of the habit-based approach.
So…..to give credit where credit is due, I feel very proud of myself this year. I’m excited to see what year 3 brings!
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The first time a healthcare provider told me that I had symptoms of sleep apnea and I should ask my doctor about a sleep study, my first thought was “I don’t want my kid to see me using a breathing machine.” Back in the days I used to watch the Biggest Loser, I saw people with families crying because they had to use a breathing machine. You were supposed to feel sorry for / disgusted by the poor sad fatties who had medical conditions. I internalized the belief that using a breathing machine is shameful, and I didn’t want my kid to see that weakness.
And then I told myself “wait a minute. That is fucked up that I would actually consider not finding out if I have a medical condition so I don’t have to show my son that I am treating it. There is NO shame in getting medical help for a serious medical condition and I will gladly tell my son THAT. Fuck TBL.
Well, today, my son said something to me that made me skip a beat. We were about to take a nap and I said “okay, you lie down and I’ll get my machine ready.” He said, “okay, you get your machine ready.” And then he said “someday, I’ll have a machine too!”
….absolutely nothing.
But there is something cool and dramatic to share. Read on.
Backstory:
I have been getting regular blood work every three months for over a year now, mainly for monitoring purposes. Last year, I went to my doctor because I was having extremely infrequent and heavy periods. My doctor ordered bloodwork for a full hormonal panel, adrenal function, thyroid function, and more.
When the results came back, my cortisol was deemed to be too low, and I was deficient in Vitamin D. My blood sugar was also slightly outside of the normal range (by one point), so in subsequent follow ups, my A1C was tested as well.
My doctor has been really happy with the results over the past year. Everything has been slowly and steadily improving. My blood sugar has been in the normal range in every follow up reading. My cortisol levels and Vitamin D levels have been steadily improving. My thyroid hormone levels are all within normal ranges. My A1C is hovering just above the high range of normal, and it hasn’t budged much, but my doctor isn’t worried because everything else is looking great.
But I just got a CPAP machine in the past three months, and so many things have dramatically changed for me, along with my sleep. My energy levels. My ability to focus. My motivation levels. My recovery from heavy lifting.
So because everything has been going SO. MUCH. BETTER. for me, I was expecting Dramatically Different Results on this quarter’s blood work.
What Actually Happened
Well, I got my test results back this week, with a note that said “the doctor wanted me to let you know they look amazing.” And I saw them, and I saw that they were pretty much the same as last time, and I was actually disappointed, because I was hoping for some really dramatic difference.
So I Examined My Self-Talk
Why is it that we want drama and drastic changes to see if something is working? Is it not enough that I am doing things around the house I have never done, and actually able to sustain a healthy lifestyle now, and that I am a better parent and friend and can focus at work again, and that I don’t need to be sedentary for 23 hours per day to recover from a one hour workout? Why do I need dramatic blood work results too?
The Answer: Comparison
A friend of mine on Facebook, Patrik, has been posting about his own health journey, and it has included some dramatic changes in his blood work numbers. Within the past year, his A1C levels have dropped from 9.6 (diabetic) to 4.9 (normal). His doctor has taken him off the medication he takes for diabetes, high blood pressure, and high triglycerides. He went from spending hundreds of dollars per month on medication, to spending just $5 per month, as only one medication remains. He no longer needs the CPAP machine he needed before. He was previously sedentary, and now he has recently run his first 5K and is getting stronger in the gym all the time. In the process of changing all these numbers, his body weight also reduced by about 30%, give or take.
Now, Patrik improved his health using a very different approach than I have been using. Instead of making small changes over time, he made some very big changes. He went from a sedentary lifestyle to doing regular CrossFit workouts, and adopted a lower calorie ketogenic diet. I started questioning, momentarily….should I go back to CrossFit? Should I do what he does?
And I realized that I need to keep my eyes on my own journey and not compare myself to someone else.
See, Patrik and I come with different health histories, different needs, and different responsibilities. While I am beyond excited for him that he got off almost all his medication doing a restrictive diet and regular CrossFit workouts, I have already tried that route, and it didn’t work with my life in a way that I could sustain and it didn’t make me healthier. Does that make it “wrong?” Not for Patrik, it doesn’t. For me, it does.
So, let’s talk about those “dramatic” blood work changes I was wanting, and how I was disappointed to see stability. Patrik was on several medications, and his levels were still high, before he made lifestyle changes. He had room for dramatic changes. Whereas I am on zero medications. Shouldn’t I be grateful that I don’t have far to go? Yes, I should. Instead of being disappointed that I didn’t see any dramatic change, I should be grateful that my body functions normally without medications. How’s that for perspective?
For Patrik, his medical reasons for adopting a restrictive diet are obviously compelling. For me, with a history of disordered eating, any potential benefits do not outweigh the risks. I know, because I have done it in the past, and after years, it led to bingeing and weight gain and disordered eating patterns. So, even though I know I could probably nudge A1C down into the normal range by restricting certain food groups, the benefit is not worth the cost to me at this time. I am healthier and happier being more free with my food. And I am grateful that I have the luxury of doing so. Instead of being disappointed that my A1C is stable, I should be thrilled that it is stable, that my blood sugar is in the normal range, and that my body can handle the food I need to eat to maintain my mental health. Again, instead of being disappointed that I didn’t see a dramatic change, I should be grateful that I don’t NEED to see a dramatic change.
Patrik was able to stop using his CPAP machine in the past couple months. His energy levels and sleep improved on his new lifestyle, with his healthier habits. Whereas I have tried maintaining healthier habits throughout my life, and something always was wrong, even when I was much thinner. I recovered incredibly slowly from workouts that gave most people my age no problems. My hunger levels seemed abnormally high. My motivation at home was always low, and my motivation and focus at work took a lot of effort to maintain.
And I tried to make drastic changes, like Patrik did, over the years. I’ve done restrictive diets and high intensity workout regimens in the past….and they always ran me into the ground, more than they should, and I couldn’t continue. (Isn’t exercise supposed to make you feel better, not worse, over time?)
….Until I got my CPAP machine. Now MY energy levels are off the charts. My motivation levels and focus are at an all time high. I’m finally able to recover well from the workouts I do. So, while Patrik was thrilled to get rid of his CPAP machine, they may have to pry mine from my cold, dead hands.
In addition to having different health histories, we also have different responsibilities in our current lives. His daughter is a teenager, and my son is a preschooler. Until last month, I was still a breastfeeding mother. Our day to day (and nighttime) parenting demands are different (I know nothing about parenting teenagers, so I am not going to say it is easier. Just different). So, the food and exercise routines that fit into Patrik’s life are different than the ones that will fit into mine. Again, I should be grateful that I don’t have health challenges that require me to make more drastic changes to my life.
So, there is no good reason for me to be dissatisfied with my own progress because it doesn’t look like my friend Patrik’s. We are completely different, and my progress is great too.
Three years ago, I had hypothyroidism. Now, even with a 40% weight gain (some muscle, some fat), my thyroid function consistently tests as healthy and normal.
One year ago, I went to my doctor to talk about extreme fatigue. I needed frequent naps. Now, I almost never need naps. I feel as energetic as I did 10 years ago and 50% lighter.
Since my pregnancy, I had severe brain fog that didn’t go away for years after I had my son. Now, I am thrilled with how mentally sharp I feel.
Even alongside a weight gain, my blood work is healthier today than it is one year ago. My cortisol levels are back in the normal range.
Now, my hunger and thirst levels feel much more manageable. I no longer need to eat or drink frequently to keep my energy levels up.
So, clearly, I need to be more grateful. My health has indeed improved dramatically. I realized that instead of hoping for “dramatic blood work results,” I can choose to be grateful that I don’t need to see dramatic blood work results in the first place, and be grateful for the amazing changes I HAVE experienced.
And remember how I said that one year ago, my periods were extremely infrequent and heavy? Well, I just got an unexpected menstrual period…..one month after my last one. For the first time in at least 6 years. So, I got my dramatic result after all, just not the one I was expecting. I have never been more happy to menstruate.
Moral of the story? Eyes on my own journey. Patrik is doing an amazing job, and I am doing an amazing job. Both of us are improving our health and quality of life, even though that looks different for each of us. I can be just as happy for myself, too.
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Since getting my diagnosis of obstructive sleep apnea and being on CPAP therapy, I have been talking to others who have it (or those who have family members who do). I’ve been reading and learning more about it. And I have some questions.
We may not know the answers to all of these questions yet, but I would love to see them researched.
Weight Stigma and Accurate Diagnosis of Obstructive Sleep Apnea
Before I knew much about obstructive sleep apnea, I had only heard of it as a vague threat of something that could happen to fat people. At the time, the only other person I knew of who had sleep apnea was fat too, so there was nothing to challenge this belief.
Since I started talking about the fact that I have sleep apnea, four people told me that their (thin) husbands also had it, and one thin woman told me that she had it. Of these five people:
So, I wonder: If patients and doctors think that sleep apnea has a “look,” how many people go undiagnosed and untreated?
Not all doctors think that sleep apnea has a “look.” My sleep specialist told me that she has patients of all sizes with sleep apnea. Some thin people have very severe cases. But obviously other doctors, as well as the public perception, has some catching up to do.
And insurance companies certainly have catching up to do. My insurance company, United Healthcare, denied my doctor’s request for authorization for an in-lab sleep study, on the basis that I did not have a serious heart or lung condition OR a BMI of over 50. They would only have paid for it if I was fatter or sicker than I already was.
I’m not pretending that there aren’t higher percentages of fat people with sleep apnea than thin people with sleep apnea. Data says that there are. But that doesn’t mean that thin people with symptoms should be assumed not to have it based on their weight (after all, if thin people are going undiagnosed, that may further skew the data!). And we must also remember that risk factors are not the same thing as causes, and that correlation does not equal causation.
Biological Sex and Accurate Diagnosis of Obstructive Sleep Apnea
According to the Mayo Clinic and almost any other list of sleep apnea risk factors, men are almost twice as likely to develop sleep apnea.
However, almost all other moms I know complain of being tired, and feel that being tired is a normal part of having small children. And they are probably right, however….
I wonder…how many women go undiagnosed and untreated, because they believe their fatigue is normal? If those women were properly diagnosed and treated, would the data still show that men are at higher risk?
Personally, I think my diagnosis was delayed because many of the symptoms I experienced were also common in pregnant and postpartum mothers. It’s just….they didn’t go away.
So, for that matter:
How many people would receive a more timely diagnosis if doctors asked more questions about sleep in their annual physical exams?
Weight Stigma and CPAP Compliance Rates
Though CPAP therapy is considered a highly effective treatment for sleep apnea when used consistently, compliance is extremely low (anywhere from 50-80 percent do not use it at all or frequently enough, depending on which studies you read). Some factors that effect compliance are physical, such as not feeling comfortable with the mask, or even claustrophobia.
But I wonder if some of them are due to stigma around needing a CPAP machine.
If people feel negativity towards their treatment because they subconsciously think it is some kind of punishment for being fat, or because it brings up feelings of fear about their own mortality, are they less likely to try and stick it out and get used to it?
Those are some questions on my mind about how we handle obstructive sleep apnea in our culture.
And one other question on my mind:
My kid was a shitty sleeper and woke up frequently as a baby and toddler. I wonder if my snoring woke him up?
We’ll never find out the answer to that one!
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Yesterday was a great day. I felt great physically and mentally. I had gone to bed by 9:30pm for the prior two nights.
Ready to take on the day!
One thing I feel really great about was that I was able to spend some time helping a friend who had been in a car accident last week. Kiddo and I went grocery shopping for her, and then I folded some laundry when I got to her house while our kids played together. I feel really satisfied and happy that I was able to do this, not only because it helped my friend, but also because in the past, doing this would have wiped me out and taken a lot of “spoons” for me.
Truth: In past years I have accepted a lot of help from family and sometimes from friends, for basic tasks around my house. Everyone says that is normal when you have a baby, and to be grateful for any help offered to you. And I am very grateful. But part of me always felt guilty accepting the help, because I knew that I would likely not be able to offer similar help to others in the same position, because I didn’t have the energy. So I am really glad to be able to offer help to others now.
Afterwards, kiddo and I walked over to the garden to water. No germination yet. Maybe today we will see some lettuce sprouts.
Another thing I feel great about is that my legs were recovered enough from the prior day’s deadlifts to work some olympic weightlifting technique in the morning….and still feel energetic on my feet throughout the day afterwards! Took my kid to gymnastics, did the grocery shopping for our friend, walked to the garden, walked back home uphill with my tired kid in a carrier….and my legs managed all of it without feeling too spent!
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When I started researching CPAP machines, I learned that while they are a highly effective treatment for obstructive sleep apnea, compliance can be pretty low (around 50%). Reasons for non-compliance include discomfort with the mask, inability to fall asleep with the mask on, feeling claustrophobic, and not wanting to wear an unattractive piece of headgear to sleep.
Twinsies!
Thankfully, I have not had any of those issues beyond the first week, and CPAP therapy is going amazingly well for me.
The downside….is that sometimes it makes me feel a little too invincible. Now that I can stay up late and still be functional and clearheaded during the daytime, it was easy to get a little carried away binge watching Orange is the New Black for a couple weeks. Yes, I know I am late to the party.
So, I stayed up until 11pm a few too many days. And while I am still MUCH more functional than I was before I had the machine, I could tell that I would feel better if I went to sleep earlier. If I can get my workouts in first thing in the morning, I’m much more likely to do them. And I am much more likely to get them in first thing in the morning if I go to bed at 9:30pm instead of 11pm. I also am less likely to feel “snacky” at night if I go to bed early.
So, while my CPAP may feel like magic, I have to remember not to rely on it to the exclusion of other healthy sleep habits. To feel my best, I still need to practice good habits.
Last night I went to bed around 9:30pm, and had a great day today. I’m thinking of changing my habit goals by shifting the sleep habits a few minutes earlier. Maybe instead of “bed by 10pm,” I’ll change the goal to “bed by 9:45pm.” Or instead of “no TV shows started after 9pm,” I’ll change it to “no TV shows started after 8:30pm.” I’ll give it some thought.
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Today marks two months of using my CPAP machine to treat obstructive sleep apnea.
When I got my machine, I read some of the info and tutorials on the website. They listed some of the benefits people might experience:
If you have a good mask seal and have been using your therapy equipment consistently, you should be feeling the benefits. By starting and sticking with therapy for your sleep apnea, you could be on the way to better sleep and better relationships. You may also find you feel more energized, which can help with motivation to start exercising……….
Other benefits of sleep apnea therapy can include reducing morning headaches, forgetfulness, poor concentration and tiredness.
I noticed some differences right away, and continued to see improvements over the next couple months. Here is what they didn’t tell me – how all these improvements would impact my life.
They didn’t tell me how treating my sleep apnea would help my family, too.
You know that feeling you get when you have chores to do, and it is late at night and you are tired, so you tell yourself “fuck it; I’ll leave it for tomorrow / leave it for my spouse?”
Well, I used to feel like that all the time, it turns out. Now that I no longer feel like that all the time, I am noticing just how much I used to feel like that, and didn’t realize it wasn’t normal. I always noticed that other people seemed to be more productive than I was, and I thought I was just inherently lazy or unmotivated.
Now, it turns out that I am feeling like that less than I used to. I’m getting more done, which takes some of the pressure off my husband and makes our house feel more calm.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not perfect. If I stay up binge watching shows on Netflix, I do feel it the next day. But I feel it FAR less severely than I used to.
They didn’t tell me that treating my sleep apnea would improve my focus, stamina and productivity at work.
I’m now able to focus for longer periods of time again. Before I started treatment, I did have poor concentration at work, but I thought it was only because I had a small child at home. Now, I notice more focus, even at the end of the day, and more motivation to cross more items off my to-do list instead of leaving them for the next day. Just like at home, there is less of a sense of “fuck it, I’ll just leave it for tomorrow.”
They didn’t tell me that treating my sleep apnea would make me a better parent.
I have more stamina and mental energy to engage with my kid. I can get through the day without feeling like I need a nap, which is great, because my kid has pretty much dropped his.
I used to need to sit on the couch and rest more often during the day. Now, it is less often. Recently my mom came to visit, and commented on how I did a LOT more in a day than when she used to come visit before.
They didn’t tell me that it would improve my recovery from exercise.
Isn’t it interesting how they say, “you may also find you feel more energized, which can help with motivation to START exercising?” I find it to be an interesting assumption that the typical sleep apnea patient is not yet exercising. It may be true; I’m not sure. In my own case though, I had already been doing movement that I really enjoy….I just didn’t seem to be able to tolerate much intensity or load. It took my muscles a LONG time to recover.
Now, I am still exercising, and my muscles recover a lot more quickly, which leaves me with energy to do other things, too. Now, exercise doesn’t have to push other things out of my life. I don’t have to choose between exercising and getting everything else done.
They didn’t tell me how different I would look.
I know that looks don’t affect function, but I sure am enjoying when people tell me how rested and refreshed I look.
Here I am after doing two loads of dishes and some laundry this morning!
Happy two month-iversary to me and Sam, my CPAP machine!
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It’s been a few weeks since I’ve posted. (I’ve been more active on my Facebook page, so if you missed me, you can follow me there as well.)
New Habits (Movement and Productivity)
I’ve added some new habits to my routine that I haven’t actually added to my spreadsheet:
I didn’t add those habits to my spreadsheet as something to track; I just changed my routine up. Since it feels pretty painless, I don’t feel the need to track them at this time.
Sleep Apnea Treatment Update
Everything has been going really well. The CPAP machine has added at least a decade back onto my life. It has reduced my breathing events by over 99 percent. Some things I have noticed: I am able to focus more clearly at work. I feel more ready to engage with people. I sometimes sleep all the way through the night now. My husband says I no longer snore. Plus all the stuff I listed before.
I am also noticing a huge difference in what I can do at home now. I am doing things that my husband always had to do in the past. I cleaned out our car (voluntarily), and cleaned up after the weekly cooking (voluntarily). I won’t say I am able to clean up every day, but even being able to do it some days is a huge improvement for me. I feel very pleased that I am able to do more to contribute to our household now.
I finally had my first appointment with a sleep specialist and I am happy to report that I had a positive experience, as a fat person. The only time she mentioned my weight was to ask “how has your weight been,” while she was asking the typical medical history and symptom questions. She did not lecture me. She seemed pleased about my habits. When I asked her if sleep apnea could cause weight gain, she said yes, and explained about leptin, and said that untreated sleep apnea could make weight loss difficult.
And then she looked in my mouth and told me that the size of my tongue was almost certainly the reason for my sleep apnea. So, that was positive! And it means that my suspicion that I have had this for many years and at many different weights is likely correct.
Movement Update
Lifting has been going well. The simplified program I started in January is still working well for me. It fits well into my life and I am making progress, feeling good, and recovering well.
Meal Prep Update
We are still in what feels like a pretty sustainable groove with meal preparation. I did spend more money eating out than I would have liked, last month. But I also had days where I felt tempted to eat take out, and I packed a meal or cooked a meal at home instead. So there is definitely improvement. Patience is my friend.
That’s all I have to report today! More posts in the queue soon….
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I had a great week. Everything keeps getting better. Last week I wrote some posts about how CPAP therapy is going for me. You can read them here, and here.
My kid had an ear infection this week, so he woke us up a lot at night for a few days, and I felt tired. But the amazing thing is, my mood was still good. Even after 4 nights of interrupted sleep. In the months before I got my CPAP, if my kid had a bad night, my mood was terrible the next day. I found dealing with people to be too overwhelming. I felt irritable. I don’t drink coffee regularly, but I would go get coffee on those days. It didn’t help much. So, it was a big deal that this week we had four nights of interrupted sleep, and my mood was good even though I was tired.
In fact, I even did some housework after that fourth day! My kid was taking a nap, and a friend called. While I was chatting with her, I noticed that I had energy and didn’t want to sit still. So I got down on the floor and began stretching. Then I was done, and looking for something else to do. So I started cleaning off my bathroom countertop. Then the floor around the toilet. Then the baseboard. Then the sink. Then a couple spots on the walls, and the mirror. Then dusted the bookshelf in my room, and in kiddo’s room. Then I took the trash cans out to the curb. Then I changed the cat litter. And all this was on a day I had already lifted in the morning, and after 4 days of sick-kiddo-interrupted sleep.
This was more housework than I would get done in a month or two, before. Before, I never had any motivation to do housework. The thought of it always seemed overwhelming. I felt self conscious, thinking that everyone thought I was lazy, but I still couldn’t get myself to do it. And I never would have done it on the same day I lifted weights. I always needed a lot of rest and recovery time afterwards. Essentially, I had to choose between lifting and housework. I always chose lifting, because it was more fun and it gave me lots of benefits, such as normalizing my blood sugar and just feeling better. It is amazing to me that now I can do BOTH sometimes.
My complexion is also improving. The photo on the left was taken a couple weeks before I started CPAP. The photo on the right was taken 12 days after I started CPAP. Look how my skin and eyes have brightened up!
I still haven’t been able to take a nap with the machine on. I tried for the second time this week and couldn’t fall asleep. However, laying in a dark room breathing deeply for 30 minutes was refreshing enough in and of itself.
On the training front, I finished my second Wendler 5 3 1 cycle of the year. The new minimalist lifting schedule is working out great. I still feel strong, and I still have enough energy to handle my other shit. So I will be keeping that up. Unfortunately I caught my kid’s bug, so I will be waiting a few days to start the third cycle.
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Power, Peace, and the Porch Gym 