Autobiographical

Uncharted Waters: Food Seems to Have Lost Its Power

/ Bethany / 1 Comment

When I started working on my habit goals nine months ago, I knew I wanted to be open to whatever outcomes may come, without trying to dictate and manipulate the results. After a lifetime of chasing outcome goals, I was sick of it and ready to give up control in that area.

Over the past nine months, I have noticed a lot of great outcomes, both physical and mental. I am now starting the tenth month, and one of the outcomes I have noticed recently is that the role food plays in my life is changing. This post will include some observations about my relationship with food in different points in my life, and now. Please keep in mind that in describing this, I am not holding any judgment towards myself or anyone else who happens to identify with these statements. Just describing my experiences at different points in my life.

As a child, I loved food, but it was also a source of guilt. I did not find my family meals relaxing. During meals, my parents sometimes argued, and there was often food policing of my brothers and my meals or portions. I grew to enjoy eating alone.

Continue reading →

My Kid Might Be Fat Too (And That Needs to Be Okay)

/ Bethany / 5 Comments

This is another scary post for me to share. It’s scary to put out there on the internet that I might be a little bit crazy. However, I wanted to share this, because I think many parents might be able to relate to the experiences and fears I talk about. This post is about a drastic shift in the way I think about parenting with regards to food and weight issues.

Continue reading →

Turning Back the Clock: Bringing Back an Old Habit

/ Bethany / 11 Comments

I am in my 30s, as are many of my friends. It seems like a common experience that some of us feel nostalgic for our younger bodies. We would appreciate them so much more, we think (never mind that we hated our bodies back in high school too….). We wish for the energy we had when we were younger and could stay out late all the time.

Of course, getting a past version of ourselves back is impossible. Even putting aging aside, so many of our environmental conditions and habits have changed.  The hormonal climates of our bodies are different. We have different habits, different pressures, different responsibilities, different perspectives, and different values.

Continue reading →

Role Models Part 3: Self-talk and Self-Listening

/ Bethany / 2 Comments

This is the third post in a series about role models. (You can read the first post and the second post too).

One of the reasons I chose habit-based goals instead of outcome based goals is that I wanted to keep myself open to whatever outcomes may come as a result of adopting healthier habits. I did not want to attempt to force certain outcomes on myself, which I ultimately could not control anyway.

One of the really nice outcomes I’ve been experiencing as a result of walking away from weight loss pressure is getting a lot more practice speaking to myself kindly – the way I strive to speak to (and listen to!) my own kiddo. I want to care for my kiddo as best I can, and that includes a sense of a emotional safety. Why would I want to do anything different for myself?

Continue reading →

Role Models, Part 2: Some Real Life Role Models!

/ Bethany / 2 Comments

Earlier this week I published a post about why I am grateful for fat role models.  I have a lot more to say about role models in general, so there may be several more posts on the subject!

In the earlier post, I wrote about how important it is for me to have role models that look like me.   Courtney, of Black Feminist Fitness, has a profound way of looking at this. As black woman, she finds that role models who look like her are often few and far between in the fitness world. Any time she wants to try a new sport, she seeks out a black female role model to inspire her. For example, when she wanted to try CrossFit, she looked towards Elizabeth Akinwale‘s example. For powerlifting, Taylar Stallings provided inspiration. For dancing, Jeni Le Gon.  She also follows community pages like Black Girls Swim and Black Girls RUN! 

When I first heard about Courtney’s approach, it didn’t really stick in my head. As a white person, I am privileged to have never had to consider this before – in any of area of interest, I am fairly certain I can find a white female role model who has gone before me.  Recently though, I have found myself profoundly affected and inspired by the journeys of several fat women involved in fitness, and I realized how important role models can really be.

Continue reading →

An Old Post: Our Birth and Lactation Story

/ Bethany / 1 Comment

I wrote this post before I had my own blog. It originally appeared on The Badass Breastfeeder. Though it’s only marginally related to what I write about on this blog, it’s my story, and I wanted to get it onto my own site now that I’ve got one.

My kiddo is now three years old. He still breastfeeds at bedtime (and most days that is all). He is a happy kid and my husband and I have no regrets at all.

 

Continue reading →

Balancing Priorities (Weightlifting, parenting, and enjoying the process)

/ Bethany / 4 Comments

Earlier this week I visited a new gym where I am considering training this winter when it gets too cold for the porch gym.  Even though it’s a bit of a drive from my home, I was tempted to try it out, because of the weightlifting expertise of the coaches. After trying it out though, I decided to hold off on joining,  for a couple reasons: parenting, and enjoyment of training. Both of these are high priorities for me, so it is important for me to balance these priorities with my weightlifting training.

Continue reading →

Body Image Progress

/ Bethany / 8 Comments

I wanted to share some body positive successes I have had in the last week. I don’t always have “good body image days” (said in the same spirit as “good hair days”). My body positive attitude development has been an exercise in patience, just like my strength development.  But I had two experiences last week that showed me that I am making progress in this area, even if every day is not great.

Continue reading →

Learning Curve: Packing Lunch

/ Bethany / 7 Comments

This is a scary post for me to publish.

Why?

This quote from Go Kaleo’s post sums it up.:

There’s another, even more dysfunctional factor at work…..women in our culture have been conditioned to associate eating with feelings of shame and guilt. I’ve run into this on my facebook page and here, I’ve had several people make up ridiculous rumors about how much I eat and speculate that I must be taking steroids in order to eat as much as I do and not get fat. This is a response I get for eating a healthy amount of food to support my activity and my weight, and for acknowledging in public that I eat that much. Women are supposed to be dainty and delicate and eat like birds, and in popular media women enjoying eating and eating more than a few bites of food are frequently portrayed as undesirable, and presented as comedy. So many of us have internalized these perceptions, and the result is a tremendous psychological pressure to not eat (or at least to not be seen eating), and highly dysfunctional eating behaviors.

So, I feel nervous about going into my energy requirements in detail, when it isn’t in the context of wanting to count calories in order to lose weight. Especially as a fat person – I feel nervous that I will be judged harshly for not attempting weight loss. I fear that calorie talk in general will call attention to that. I have some anxiety that as a fat person, I shouldn’t call attention to the fact that I eat at all.  So, I definitely have some internalized shame and guilt going on about this.

Just putting all that out there, before I go into the actual topic of this post. Why am I publishing it anyway? Because I strongly feel that this culture of guilt and shame around women eating is harmful, and the only way it is going to change is if women are going to make eating more visible/normal.

Now that it is out of the way, here it goes….

I am proud of myself for taking steps to better fuel my body this week.  A big step? Learning how to pack meals and snacks for days at work / on the go.

Continue reading →

Recovery!

/ Bethany / 4 Comments

This post is about how I recovered much of my energy levels. It’s a bit all over the place. I’ll touch on a lot of things, from parenting to postpartum adjustment to adrenal recovery to diet recovery to what’s normal and what’s not. Content warning: I discuss my reproductive functions in this post. If that sort of thing grosses you out, stop reading now.  Want to skip the story and just read my conclusions? Here they are:

 

  • If you are a mom of young children, and you feel like shit, yes, lifestyle changes can help a lot. But going to your doctor to diagnose and treat undetected medical issues can help a lot too! I put off going to the doctor a long time, and I’m glad I finally went.
  • If you are fat and you have low energy, don’t blame your energy levels on your weight. By addressing many areas of my lifestyle, my energy levels and health have increased tremendously in the last 8 months, even though my weight has not changed. That’s a night and day difference, from being low functioning to much higher functioning in terms of energy and productivity, with no recent changes in my weight.
  • Even though our culture likes to tell women (especially fat women) that we need to eat less and control our diets, I actually feel much healthier and much more highly functional when I ignore that shit.
  • Does adrenal fatigue actually exist? I don’t know. I’m not qualified to say. My science education is sorely lacking. My doctor says yes. Many doctors say no.  The blogger on the internet I listened to says “I don’t know” and “I’m skeptical.” I’m just reporting what I did in my own life, and the effects it has had. If you are having problems with low energy levels, my advice (not that I’m qualified to give any!) is to address your lifestyle AND go see your doctor. I don’t think I would have recovered as quickly without doing BOTH.

Keep reading to find out how I reached those conclusions.

Continue reading →