Health at Every Size

Why I Stopped Aspiring to an Athletic Physique

/ Bethany / 2 Comments

I have a long history of aspiring to an athletic body type.

When I was in high school I bought a book called “The NYC Ballet Workout: Fifty Stretches and Exercises Anyone Can Do For a Strong, Graceful, and Sculpted Body.”

That’s good marketing, isn’t it? As a vulnerable person, I believed it. Until I got discouraged and somehow forgot about the book and moved on to something else. I don’t remember what became of the effort to look more like a ballet dancer. Nothing dramatic or memorable, and obviously it didn’t work.

Then there were the various women’s bodybuilding books. Then the yoga. And the two marathons. And the frustration that came with not having a “runner’s body.” Surely if I persisted and kept at it long enough, I might look like those distance runners?

Then one day in 2011, I watched a video of a talk by Tom Naughton, Science for Smart People. In this talk, Naughton uses an example of correlation that involves athletes bodies (skip to 24:45 in the video). He talks how, if  “everyone knows running makes you thin,” because marathon runners tend to be thin, does that mean that “playing basketball makes you tall, because elite basketball players tend to be tall?” No. As Naughton says “Basketball players are tall because being tall makes you more likely to succeed at basketball, and the fact that competitive runners are thin doesn’t tell us anything, except perhaps that being thin makes it more likely that you will take up running.”

This sounds like the simplest concept in the world, but that fact that it blew my mind is…well, I’ll let you draw your own conclusions about THAT.

I did have one more instance since then when I fell for the whole “if I do x, I will look like people who are successful at x.” I did CrossFit for about 5 months in 2011 and early 2012. I really admired the bodies of some of the other athletes in the gym, even more than any other kind of “athletic body” I had seen before. And once again, I felt hopeful that *this* would be the thing that would change my body.

I stopped CrossFit when I was four months pregnant and exhausted.  So I didn’t have a chance to draw any conclusions about the effects consistent CrossFit would have had on my appearance.

But eventually it sunk in. I took a few years off of athletic pursuits when I had my son. I suppose my brain had time to process everything I had learned so far.

Earlier this year, when I set a goal to do weight training, 150 times, I remembered how much I enjoyed CrossFit, so I took a CrossFit approach to my programming. But CrossFit involves Olympic weightlifting, I knew I needed some coaching, as the Olympic lifts are highly technical. So, I went on USA Weightlifting’s website to find a local weightlifting club. It turned out that the weightlifting club local to me was at a CrossFit affiliate.

This time, when I walked into the CrossFit affiliate and saw some beautiful, athletic looking women,  I didn’t think to myself ” I’ll bet I could look like that if I worked hard at CrossFit.” I knew that, odds were, those women weren’t coming from the same place I was. They had different genetics and circumstances. They almost certainly did not walk into the gym on their first day looking like I did. Now, I’m not making any judgments about whose body looked “better” or “worse” on their first day; I’m simply acknowledging that we all looked different. And therefore, if I worked hard at CrossFit, I wouldn’t look like The Really Cut CrossFit Chick in My Gym Who I Just Met. I would look however *I* would look if I worked hard at CrossFit….whatever that means for my particular body and genetics.

To confirm my thoughts on the matter, I asked The Really Cut CrossFit Chick in My Gym Who I Just Met how long she had been doing CrossFit, and if she had played any sports prior. She said she ran track all through high school and college. My suspicions were confirmed that we did NOT walk through the door on our first days looking the same. I knew a big shift had taken place in my mind, because I wasn’t judging or comparing the other women’s bodies to mine, or mine to theirs. I simply noticed that we were all different, and I go there every week to do my work, and I don’t stress over how my body compares.

When I realized that focusing on Olympic weightlifting exclusively felt better to me in my present health and circumstances, I was able to let go of CrossFit pretty easily. I knew that CrossFit wasn’t going to do anything magical to my body. My body would be limited by my own strengths and weaknesses, and while I could certainly work on weaknesses if I chose, it wasn’t going to do anything magical to my body…..so I would be happier if I set myself up for realistic expectations. I work on Olympic weightlifting because it’s a fun challenge and it makes my body FEEL good. Whereas I ran because I thought it would change the way I LOOKED.

I’m not at all suggesting that people should only do sports that they are genetically suited for. I’m suggesting that if your underlying reason for participating in a certain activity is to change your body type, you will probably be disappointed, unless your genetics happen to be inclined towards that body type anyway. If your underlying reason, however, is having fun and feeling good…..you will probably have a rewarding experience, regardless of whether your body changes. Like these women.

It is my hope that by sharing this perspective, that other women who hold the same beliefs I did will open their minds a bit, allowing them to choose activities they enjoy over the ones that they hope will change them. If you are feeling discouraged with your choice of activity, it’s nothing wrong with your body – find something else that feels great to do!

Training Modification

/ Bethany / 1 Comment

This morning I modified my training plan based on my body’s feedback. I am experimenting with adding a fourth day back in – to work mostly on overhead work, like jerks and presses. Today my training plan had power cleans, power jerks and push presses. I woke up with my left knee feeling….off. Not injured, just a little tender. And I knew my legs were not recovered enough from yesterday to protect the knee well during power cleans. Knowing that I have full cleans and front squats tomorrow, I figured I could best care for myself by skipping the power cleans today for some extra recovery time.

A walk sounded good, so I took a walk around the block instead, before doing my overhead work. The push presses definitely got heavy. I need to add this work back in so I can build confidence on the clean and jerk.

Feeling proud that I listened to my knee to determine what would serve me best this morning, and the rest of the week. Take that, fitspo! (For a good laugh, check this out).

Why I Let My Weight Go

/ Bethany / 14 Comments

When you read the title of this post, you might think I’m going to write about “why I gained weight.” After all, in our culture, “letting oneself go” is usually a euphemism for “gaining weight.”

I’m actually going to write about something else. This will be a long post.

Yesterday I published some content on my page about the Health At Every Size movement. That content consisted of a simple definition, and links to some more knowledgeable people talking about what it is. Even thought I didn’t consider myself knowledgeable to write my own piece about it, I wanted to share that content, because it is important to me.

This post is about WHY it is important to me to share that information, even when it is not my own.

Continue reading →

Today’s training log: 3 PRs, and recognition

/ Bethany / 1 Comment

Today was a Barbell Club day. Once a week I leave the porch gym and train with a local weightlifting club, so I can be coached. I hit 3 personal records! My snatch max went from 68 lbs to 83 lbs. My clean and jerk went from 99 lbs to 105 lbs. And my prior 1 rep max in the back squat (170lbs) is now my 3 rep max! I feel very proud of my progress.

One of my coaches filmed me in these attempts. Looking at them later, I realize that once my speed in pulling under the bar improves, I should be able to lift a lot more. My strength is there; my speed is still coming.

As far as training frequency, I’m very glad I dropped back to 3 times per week. I had been attempting to follow a training program was 4-5 times per week, but decided to drop back to 3 after reading a book by Matt Foreman about Olympic Weightlifting for Masters. The gist of it can be found in this article.  Basically, older people (and in weightlifting, even being in your late 20s or early 30s is staring to get “old.” After 35 years old, you are in the masters level for competition) usually cannot handle 5 training days per week, simply because their bodies don’t recover as quickly. Strength gains are made in recovery, and if you train more than you can recover, you set yourself up for overtraining and injury. I was feeling pretty sore or tired a lot, so I dropped back to 3 days per week.

It was a good decision! This last week was a heavy week in my training cycle, and I still felt like I had the physical and mental energy and focus to handle my other responsibilities. And today was the “heavy single” day in the cycle, and I felt physically well recovered going into it.

I also felt good today because my coaches told me I have “outstanding dedication.” I really appreciated the acknowledgement, because as a fat person, I am well aware that some people make assumptions that people my size are lazy and lacking dedication. So it felt great to be seen for what I can DO, not how I LOOK.

All in all an excellent training day! I’m writing this post with my feet up after a meal, a shower, and a nap, and I’m feeling very satisfied.

Motivation: I’m not sure why I’m doing this

/ Bethany / 6 Comments

In the health and fitness world, I see a lot of trainers/gurus/athletes/TV personalities saying something along the lines of “you need to tap into your ‘why.’ Your journey will suck sometimes, so you need to have a strong enough reason to keep going.” Right? We’ve all heard it. The other day, I saw this question pop up in my newsfeed. I felt somewhat…perturbed. I didn’t know how to anwer the question. I’ve been working solidly on getting stronger for the past 6 months, and I’m loving it, but if you asked me “why,” I couldn’t tell you.

This morning I thought about this again while I was lifting. What is my “why?” (I didn’t even say it out loud. And as soon as I jotted down a note to write about it later, my kid said “do you know why you are doing that, Mama?” Damn. Kids can be so creepy sometimes.)

Here’s the thing…..all my life, I have done a lot of things with the underlying motivation of becoming thin/conventionally fit looking. I always told myself at the time it was to be healthier, but deep down, if I knew there was NO possibility of my body shrinking, I probably would not have done some of the things I did. Then, earlier this year, I learned about Health at Every Size and the research that shows that, for 95% of the population, weight loss attempts lead to gaining all the weight back (and then some, in many cases), within 5 years. I realized that this is consistent with my experience – every weight loss attempt I have ever made resulted in a net weight gain, by the time the 5 year mark was up. And that puts me in good company with the rest of the dieting/health seeking population. (By the way, I am by NO means enough of an expert on this topic to write about it just yet. If you are interested in learning more about this, read Linda Bacon’s book) And for some reason, it all suddenly clicked with me that I couldn’t keep doing that. I couldn’t keep trying and failing to change my body size and be smaller, and then feeling badly about myself, and putting more important things on hold while I put all my focus into something that was statistically almost certain to fail. I had denied myself so many experiences, telling myself I would do it once I was thinner. I couldn’t let my son grow up thinking that was normal behavior. I grew up in a household where that behavior was glorified, and it really shaped my entire self perception. It may be common in our culture, but it is f*cked up, and I would not let my son think it was healthy behavior, nor would I perpetuate the normalcy of this behavior anymore.

I went through a period of sadness after reading Linda Bacon’s book. I had wasted so much time and money chasing a dream of being thinner, because I thought it would make me happy. And here I was, with the deep realization that it was probably NOT going to happen. Sometimes I still feel sad and wish I had done more of the things I would have liked to do, like study abroad or go to the beach and feel comfortable in a bathing suit. What if I had not focused on my size at all? What else could I have accomplished instead that would have actually contributed to something in this world? So anyway, here I am……and my primary reason for doing so many things all my life is just…..gone. Not gonna happen.

So….I have no idea why I am doing some things that people call “healthy.” On “reality” television, contestants often give reasons like “I want to live longer for my kids.” “Disease runs in my family and I want to avoid it.” “I want to set a good example for my kids.” Honestly, those reasons sound good and all, but they are not really an underlying motivation for me. They’d certainly be welcome side effects if they happened, though.

Here is what I do know: I know I love feeling strong. I love the way my body feels when I lift heavy things. I still struggle with liking the way my body looks. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. Deep down, I think I still really don’t. I can name things I wish to change about my body. I sometimes look in the mirror and don’t like what I see. However…..that glance in the mirror is a very short part of my day, and when I lift well and rest well, I like the way my body FEELS, even when I’m unhappy with the way I look. I hope that I learn to like the way my body looks more. But in the meantime, I can like the way I feel, and appreciate my body in that sense, if not with my eyes. The feeling of strength gives me confidence that allows me to relate to the world better than I used to, even though I still don’t like the way my body LOOKS sometimes. It is helping me overcome and “feel the fear and do it anyway.” I don’t know if that’s going to be a deep enough motivation to keep me going when things get hard. So far it has. But it’s only been 6 months. However……it’s a habit that I LOVE doing. I look forward to lifting. I feel sad on rest days because I just love it.

So, maybe I don’t need a “why.” Maybe I just need enjoyable, sustainable habits that work for ME. I guess if you are doing something you hate (burpees. jumping jacks.), then maybe you do need a “why.” Right now, I’m just not doing that stuff. I’m focusing on the stuff that I love so much that I can easily sustain, even without knowing WHY I am doing it. I’ll be curious to see how my “why” evolves as time progresses. Thanks for reading!